We receive two types of responses for any question one is affirmative and the other one is negative. And if you are left with another choice i.e “maybe” then that’s your assumption to make whether the response is positive or negative… 😅. But in cases where you are the decision maker, agreeing with someone is easy, and giving out positive responses is almost like winning someone’s expectations. The receiver is happy as well as you’re happy seeing that the other person is happy with your response but, what if when you don’t want to agree with them and just say “no”. Denying someone feels like giving them a reason to hate you, it's like they are offering you a donut but you actually want a caser salad.
Our mind thinks about two possible perspectives:
💭Perspective 1: What do I want? I don’t want what they are offering I want to say no and not take what they are offering. I know what is right for me and what isn’t. I have my own plans so I can’t join them for a brainstorming session.
💬Perspective 2: I can’t deny them and break their trust, I can’t say no because they have some expectations from me and I need to fulfil them, or else they will not ask me again. I might be discouraged from the group itself.
Here, if you see the second perspective is directly related to the receiver’s contrast mood. If you deny them they are going to feel a bit bad about you or ask you in the first place. So, strive your mind into thinking that you need to say “yes” to get their validation, their acceptance 🤔. The way I think is “If I say no then they might not include me in the group next time and might not even invite me next time.” It makes me feel that I’m just letting their expectations down. I think they will hate me and nobody likes that when somebody gets negative feedback on the face.
The 2nd perspective mostly overpowers your perspective every time coz you want to be considered within the tribe. So to be a member of the group you will always thrive to remain good with people so that whenever you face any problems they will have your back and for that, these are the small steps which you take towards gaining their trust about you being the perfect group member for them. For that, you always try to be an extra limited person than who you actually are originally.
But, here’s a thing that I have learned from past experiences if you don’t like what you’re doing right now and if you are doing it just for the sake of pleasing people with your decisions then you’re not being the real you. You’re being an imposter, a people pleaser a person who just can’t say no to anything. You’re just losing your true self and nothing else.
So, how to say no to anyone? Actually, it's a very difficult thing to not hurt someone by the denial and still make your point and say no completely. I haven’t figured out the right way genuinely but giving them proper reasons and facts that you really don’t want to do the extra work because you have a list of things piled up, you really don’t want to drink because you aren't a drinker, you don’t want anyone to offer you a cigarette coz you’re not a smoker. Just make them clear that you just don’t agree with the things that they are demanding from you and also do not have expectations from you regarding it. It’s difficult to make people understand that, but once things get out of your control and you keep saying yes to everything they will always give you the extra work thinking that you will say yes to it just like you always do… 🙄
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